The 13 Components of a Teacher’s Sanity-Saving Private Collection by Connie Casserly

The ink on my college diploma was barely dry before the call of the Sirens, the same entities that enticed Odysseus to the land of the lotus flowers, lured me toward the August displays of folders, paper and pens in the local G.C. Murphy store. Because my first teaching contract was imminent, I eagerly filled my shopping trip cart with pens bursting with rainbow-hued colors for grading, stacks of notebooks to hold my teaching ideas, and a binder or two to protect the master copy of those inspiring lessons that I would create on my Underwood-Olivetti typewriter.
With my veins still pumping the ivory-tower-theory blood that formed the backbone of all of my education classes, little did I know that notebooks, pretty pens, and binders would not save my sanity, my health, or my naïve visions of a room full of teenagers eagerly shouting, “More work, please!” when reality merged with the late bell on the first day of school.
During my college years, my lecturers armed me with lesson planning and teaching techniques that have served me admirably throughout my 30+ years in the classroom, but

• not one professor warned me that as autumn leaves started to fall, and when winter chose to aid and abet cold and flu viruses, I would be surrounded by an avalanche of sneezing, snurfing, coughing students seeking comfort from their stuffed up nasal passages and scratchy throats in the soothing presence of  the Teacher with the Tissues.
• not one professor based a course on The Components of a Teacher’s Sanity Saving Private Collection.
• not one professor mentioned the saving graces of Kleenex, Lysol, a coffee/tea maker and a radio/CD player. And chocolate…lots and lots of chocolate.

My beloved typewriter served me well until I became attached by an invisible umbilical cord to my computer, the ultimate teaching necessity. We educators will not survive with just Apples, Apps and Word, though. For that reason, here is my Teacher’s Sanity-Saving Private Collection. Over the decades I spent in the classroom, it conserved my serenity and helped me to accumulate sick days –days that turned into money when I left the system. I want to share it with you- colleagues who face close encounters with hormonal types for a minimum of 184 days each year.

1. An extra-large bottle of waterless hand cleanser is crucial. Don’t even allow yourself to imagine where those 25 sets of adolescent hands (per class period) have been. If you do, you’ll be relieved that you also have a stash of
2. Tylenol in extra-large quantities. This item is a necessity for the headache that will mushroom because you didn’t stop yourself from imagining the journey of those hands, for those mornings when you forlornly realize that the cut-glass scratchiness in the back of your nose is the result of free-range germs, for those afternoons when the screeches of adolescent girls threaten to shatter your eardrums, and for those days when the class clown’s only goal is to perfect his patter for Amateur Night at the local Comedy Club during discussions and/or seatwork.
3. Kleenex: boxes and boxes of Kleenex. Enough said.
4. Lysol-or any powerful cleanser-will ward off the effects of those students who sneeze or cough on their homework or tests and then try to hand you the tainted papers. Talk about Germ Warfare! If and when they do attempt to force those papers into your hands-and they will- just smile, hand them the sanitizing aerosol can and urge them to scurry into the hall and de-germ those Weapons of Mass Congestion.
5. A Mr. Coffee machine or, if you can spare a few dollars or a have a generous friend, a Keurig will give you many, “Ah, thanks, I needed that,” moments throughout the day. Fill a file cabinet drawer with coffee-flavored coffee - okay, okay throw in some Mocha Java and some Hazelnut- along with some Constant Comment, Green Tea, Matcha and Tazo tea bags.
6. Some type of music system is essential! My aging, but still working Boom Box, complete with a radio, CD player and cassette deck, yes, a cassette deck, still serves me well. The latter will play that tape of ballads you found in your parents’ attic. You will want to use it for a lesson where students produce some verses following this poetic format for a writing assignment during an across-the-curriculum study of The Historical and Literary Effects of the 1960’s Protests. Music can set the mood for any lesson, too. A little Chopin, on low, works well during in-class writing sessions. The songs, “Stars” and “Dog Eat Dog”, from Le Miserables will jump start a lively discussion during a study of existentialism and The Stranger. Also, every time that first snowflake falls, you and your students will want to tune in the local All-Weather channel periodically for early dismissal announcements.
7. Sturdy paper cups, plates and garbage bags will keep you and the custodians on a sanity-saving BFF basis. A strategically planned cultural event – a euphemistic title in many a school district since, “Parties are frowned upon in this establishment,” (see old E-Trade commercials) will charge up sluggish gray matter and boost camaraderie.
8. Multi-roll packages of Paper Towels are an absolute necessity for cleaning up everything from Animal Cracker crumbs to water spills to wine-free zabaglione puddles. The latter occurred when Sophia took ethnic food over the top with the Italian custard she made for a Romeo and Juliet cultural event.
9. A stapler, as well as scotch tape, paper clips, sharp scissors and glue sticks should anchor your office supplies. Be sure to include stacks of loose-leaf lined paper and some black pens for those adolescents who don’t seem to understand that they must have something to write on and something to write with when they come to class. This is your private collection, the one that students know better than to raid unless they want to doom the whole class to your version of Lecture #572: Violation of Personal Space, which won’t be pretty.
10.  Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate should line your private collection shelves. Just like burgers need fries and eggs need bacon (or sausage), grading essays calls for the fruit of the cocoa bean…in any form.
11.  A toaster oven is a necessity for that ooey, gooey ultimate comfort food, a grilled cheese sandwich. Studies show that this treat is the only cure for GDS- Gloomy Day Syndrome or Gosh Darned Students! or both.
12. A small refrigerator/freezer will help you to keep your cool with chilled water, a crisp apple or a 2:20 P.M. Klondike Bar.
13.  Comfortable walking shoes will be your go-to item when you desperately need a 15-minute powerwalk to stomp away your frustration due to too many up close and personals with PTAMBT- People That Annoy Me Big Time-types.

Remember, my friends, a well-stocked supply closet diminishes doctor bills, reduces the stress of creating substitute plans, and guarantees that all students will be ready and able to complete that in-class writing activity.

What’s in your Teacher’s Sanity-Saving Private Collection?

Oh… hold that thought. Isn’t it time for a cup of green tea and a Hershey’s Kiss…or two?